I’ve never been good at writing about myself. I don’t consider myself to be a particularly interesting person. I’m a middle-America, common, garden variety housewife trying to run a household and keep up with two kids while keeping a home-based business afloat. There isn’t anything special about me. I just do the best that I can for my family, just like every other mother in the United States.
I have spent hours this week, staring at a blank screen, not knowing what and when to tell you about my secret. Hope? Fear? I’ve lost my mind? A roller coaster? All of the above? I’m not normally a public person because I see my life as so mundane, but I knew that I should let my readers know what was going on despite my usual ‘just the facts, ma’am’ demeanor.
The problem wasn’t that I was having trouble admitting it to you. The problem was that I was having trouble admitting it to myself.
I was scared. Jeff was the only one who knew. He knew because he knew, not because I had told him. He always knows I’m before I do. I’ve never shocked him with a surprise, he’s always told me instead of me telling him.
So many unknowns. So much to paralyze you. I was blindsided. I always say there aren’t any accidents in life, only unforeseen blessings. I had enough sense to know that others wouldn’t look at it that way since Jeff was unemployed and the economy was struggling. I wasn’t looking forward to the rude remarks, the labeling of my child as an accident or comments on the state of my marriage or our decision making abilities when we don’t have his income or any health insurance. We all know that sometimes God has other plans but people can be horribly harsh when God’s plans don’t fit with their line of thinking.
I walked on eggshells, afraid that every meal would be my last good one and the hyperemesis would kick in the next morning despite my gut healing. Trying to figure out how to tell people because we both knew I wouldn’t be able to hide it much longer. The problem with pregnancy is that by the time you see it’s going to make you sick, it’s too late to back out. What’s done is done and you’re just along for the ride. It feels a little like spinning a wheel- you’re taking a chance, and in this game of chance, I hadn’t volunteered myself.
I was scared of being pregnant but also scared of a loss. I wasn’t going to admit to myself that I was pregnant until I had to. I’ve had four miscarriages and been through hyperemesis in one of the two pregnancies I carried to term. The possibility of having to go through another 20 weeks of throwing up 40+ times a day was beyond terrifying. BUT we knew that I had undiagnosed celiac with that pregnancy and all of those miscarriages and now I’ve healed my food allergies, there should be no reason to see it repeat. Right? I was no longer obese, no longer dealing with heavy metals, the adrenal fatigue was gone, I was in such a better position health-wise. Right? That’s what hope whispered in the back of my mind but fear springs eternal. I still knew I had a hormonal problem to right before I could consider myself whole again in my own eyes and that problem could cost me a pregnancy.
It was too much, too soon, too fast, too overwhelming and all too scary.
Then it was over.
Blindsided or not, I was heartbroken at the loss. I was scared, yes, but I wasn’t sad or upset in the least when I realized we were expecting. Not for a moment. I would gladly welcome another child that God sent. Another child is worth any struggle through unemployment, any tight budget, any coping with hyperemesis, facing labor or any health issue. When I am gone my work won’t mean near as much as the life I have poured into my children. In my eyes, things aren’t worth much but humans are more precious than gold.
I’m a little shell shocked to be back in this place after so long. We know that my hormones not being balanced is what likely caused this loss. My luteal phase is only 9 days long. My health problems have wreaked havoc on my hormones and that was the last thing we needed to fix before I could declare myself past everything and completely healthy again. We’ve been working on it, but the going is slow and difficult. Tight budgets, a downright crappy economy and unemployment have gotten in the way. Testing and treatment is never budget-friendly.
I’m not stupid enough to claim that I’m completely healthy when I’m not. And I don’t believe my readers would believe I’m healthy when they can clearly see I still have more work to do. Even if I had not made this miscarriage public, it wouldn’t have mattered. People can clearly see when you don’t look as healthy as you should. I’ve looked at pictures of other figures in the food world who claimed to be the picture of health and shook my head because I could clearly see that they were not.
We don’t benefit our cause when we aren’t honest about our own weaknesses and areas that need improvement, especially when down the road it can be held up as evidence that we were wrong, we were on the wrong path and we took others with us. We loudly trumpeted the wrong way and we made a mistake. And that is why, to me, this miscarriage isn’t proof that I’m not healthy. It’s proof of how far I’ve come. Yes, I still have farther to go. But a year ago a pregnancy wouldn’t have been possible at all.
I’ve come a far, long way since 2006 but the hormonal piece of the puzzle still needs to be solved. Recovering your health is a journey, a process. My journey is not done.
So, please, do not hold me up and judge the merits of a traditional foods diet based on my loss or how far I still have to go. Hold me up and judge the merits of a traditional foods diet on how far I’ve come and how well it has healed a woman who almost died in 2006.
And in that judgement, you will see the strength of traditional foods and natural living in a toxic, messed up world.
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Dear Kerry Ann,
I am so sorry to hear about this. Thank you so much for being willing to share. It is great to view this from the perspective of how far you have come. You work here is a blessing and inspiration to many.
KerryAnn,
Thank you so much for sharing your journey with all of us. We are so sorry for your loss. You are an inspiration to all of us.
Hugs. We’re all in this together …. learning and trying to undo the past when we didn’t know. Thanks for all your efforts and dedication to helping make lives better. Sorry for your loss. (one more hug).
*big hugs*
Wow, so sorry for your loss. 🙁
I really appreciate your honesty. It mirrors what I’ve been struggling with lately. I seem to keep forgetting how far I’ve come and tend to focus on what’s still left to do. (I want to give God the glory, but I’m too busy beating myself up) I’m at a place where I don’t know how to fix what’s left. Not even sure of the name(s) for what’s still wrong with me. But the one thing I will always have, that you and I both share, is God’s grace. I know His grace is sufficient. You are in my prayers.
~Karen
Karen recently posted..Sausages and Sauerkraut
I’m so sorry, KerryAnn. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. You are such an inspiration to me and many others. Best wishes to you!
KerryAnn and Jeff, I am so sorry for your loss. No judgment here, only compassion. Big {hugs}!
Thank you for sharing this. It brought tears to my eyes. I struggle with conceiving and am praying that this traditional foods journey I’ve begun almost a year ago will help me recover all that I’ve lost due to a SAD diet. I will continue to pray for you during this difficult time.
Bless your heart, Kerryann. I will pray….
FarmgirlCyn (Cindy) recently posted..When the sun refuses to shine…
Oh wow, KerryAnn, I am so sorry for your loss. However, your words are full of wisdom, and I can relate. I think it’s even more frustrating because we are surrounded by a world that promotes there’s-a-quick-fix-pill-to-cure-all-your-ills, but I think people are finally beginning to learn that true healing takes time and nourishing foods. Thank you for all you do to help so many of us on our journeys to health, and I hope that you continue to find your own way, too. (Hugs!)
That was so well written. It’s a great thing from a very strong person for you to share something so personal so that it may help others. Again, all my prayers are with you and don’t forget to get as many hugs from those precious kiddos as you need to get through the day.
Jennifer @ 20 something allergies recently posted..Chili, French Fries, and Some Recipes
KerryAnn,
Thank you for sharing your difficulties with us as well all the great skills and knowledge that you have shared for so long.
It is so hard to go through a miscarriage, even when the pregnancy did not happen in ideal circumstances. Is there ever a “perfect” time to have a baby, anyway?
I lost the first baby I carried, early in the pregnancy. I was living a pretty scandalous life at the time and many of the people I told reacted by telling me I should be happy or by unleashing their idea of what my life should be. Our feelings of loss, pain, relief, and whatever else there is to feel are valid.
Health issues and especially miscarriages are difficult for anyone to go through… especially as someone who is known and respected for living such a healthy life.
But many people who live so clean do so because we have been through health issues. There is recovery and healing to find, and there is no guarantee that we’ll get there.
Sharing your struggles doesn’t make you less credible. It opens a door for people who share your issues to come in and finally find someone they can relate to, who can make them feel safe and understood, and that is a very important part of healing.
If *you* need someone to make you feel safe and understood, call me. I’d be honored to listen and send some compassion your way.
<3
Joy
Joy at The Liberated Kitchen recently posted..Spicy Kale
What a beautiful post, even if it is about something so sad. Sorry for your loss.
I just wanted to share with you that I am having amazing results in balancing my hormones by using Matt Stone’s RRARF program (http://www.180degreehealth.com/uploads/eBooks/Rrarf.pdf).
I, like you, have worked on healing my gut, but was still having menstrual irregularities (some cycles only 20 days, and hardly any bleeding at all, instead spotting for up to 9 days). I’ve been on GAPS for 18 months, and eating NT-style since 2006. My fertility charts have never looked better than the last month in all that time (I’m not trying to conceive, but am trying to get healthier overall). My temps are up, and more consistent than ever (the normally zigzag all over the place), and the last two menstrual cycles have been much more normal (although still a little scanty on flow, but no more prolonged spotting; and they have been 28 and 29 days).
Anyhow, just thought I’d share that in case it helps you in finding hormonal balance.
Sarah Smith recently posted..Tips for Starting the GAPS Diet
Sarah, I appreciate the tip. Unfortunately, RRARF has not worked for me. I’ve tried it multiple times and tried variations of it to no avail. Because my hormonal imbalance issues stem from heavy metal poisoning and treatment, I don’t believe it’s going to be as easy to solve. 🙁
KerryAnn Foster recently posted..On Secrets, Judgement and Health
Oh, I’m sorry to hear it. I had to modify RRARF somewhat (since I’m not tolerating starches or grains well yet, and since I’m still nursing a toddler), and Matt was very helpful in giving me some tips to make it work for me. But it sounds like your issues run deeper. I hope you find the path the wellness!
Sarah Smith recently posted..Tips for Starting the GAPS Diet
I’m so sorry for your loss. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.
So sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for sharing with us!
Just another voice saying thanks for sharing, and I’m sorry for your loss. I have gotten so much out of your posts, and I truly feel for you. Thanks.
You’re in my thoughts, the whole family in fact. Sending love and compassion your way.
Soli @ I Believe in Butter recently posted..Slice of life: Eye on the prize
Dearest KerryAnn, I’m hoping that you find a bit of healing in getting your story down on paper, so to speak. I am thankful for your faith; keep your eyes on Him and may people’s darts just bounce off of your Armor of God.I pray that you and your family find healing and comfort in the arms of our Lord. Thank you for all that you do with your knowledge and life experiences for the benefit of others. God bless you; stand fast.
Living and staying at all healthy is hard even under the best of circumstances.
I’m sorry, Kerry Ann and Jeff. I will say a prayer for you and yours.
Amanda
Amanda Rose recently posted..Salmon Frittata
I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope that soon things will fall into place for you and you can welcome a new baby to the family.
Thank you for sharing your heart! You are in my prayers, having been through a miscarriage I understand some of the pain! I am so happy for the healing you’ve had and agree completely that we need to celebrate the progress that each family makes towards real food! Blessings to you and your family and I pray that you will be able to add more children to your family in the future! 🙂
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I also have lost four babies, which makes me abundantly and profoundly grateful for the three healthy children I have. Thank you for sharing this hard thing, and I pray that God, your family and your community will give you much comfort.
Jamie recently posted..Sunday, Monday, Tuesday….Oh Bother
Hugs atcha lady
I just found your blog…
You are a blessing. Sharing your heart was a vulnerable and beautiful way to bless others’. As we identify our weaknesses and make them known to the people around us, something magical happens and that is the building up of one another.
I am sorry for your loss.
I personally identify with the part about babies as I am 41 and just had my 6th, with no health insurance, husband in/out of work for years, and having the non-traditional family of today.
Blessings on all you do and live,
shannon in Va.
Shannon Hinnant recently posted..The Three Little Pigs, actually, not-so-little…pigs
I am so sorry for your loss. Will keep you in prayer.
So sorry to hear about this! I lost a baby early on last year and I’m pretty certain it was because of hormonal imbalances, too. This short luteal phase / low progesterone problem feels like such a curse, but like you, I’m working to overcome it. It just takes a long time!
*hugs*
I am sorry for your loss.
I am a sometimes-subscriber to your menus and have been a fan for several years – I always recommend your menus to my mommy friends.
I just went through a miscarriage recently and can understand how you (might) feel and I’ve had thoughts myself like, I excercised too hard that week I lost our baby, etc. Nothing you did KerryAnn is the reason. God has plans for everyone, even a baby in the womb. I know no words from any of us will take the pain away, just take some time to heal physically & emotionally.
Lord, right now I ask that you put your comforting arms around KerryAnn and protect her for people who might judge her including herself. Lord only you know the reason and I just ask that peace soon comes to KerryAnn during this very difficult time! Amen!
Honey, stress is so hard on us, more than we realize! You just do the best you can and thank God he made our bodies as durable as they are! My heart felt thoughts and prayers are with you!
lydia recently posted..What’s Going On In My World
Oh my…. bless your heart. That must be so hard. And sad.
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I am so sorry for your loss! You will be in my prayers.
Only recently did I find your website, but have already been blessed so much by all your nutritional advice.
Thank you for being so transparent and sharing your struggles. Keep your eyes on Jesus, and He will get you through this! (((hugs)))
KerryAnn, I am so sorry for your loss. I didn’t know you were pregnant. Thank you for sharing your story – I can so relate to some of what you have gone through. When I was a young woman, I was told that I would never be able to get pregnant because of my health issues. In spite of that, I was able to carry 3 babies to term, but endured nine months of extreme nausea and vomiting with each one. I didn’t know it had a name and wasn’t diagnosed with Celiac disease until I was 50.
You are so right about people who look at where you are and judge the merits of a traditional foods diet based on the health issues that they see. What they don’t understand is that I would probably have died long ago if I hadn’t found a better way to eat. I have come a long way and am still working towards my goals.
Your site and the menu mailer was SO pivotal in helping me learn to cook, eat and maintain a healthy lifestyle – especially because I was so sick when I started that the prospect of learning a whole new way of eating from scratch was too daunting to contemplate. The menu mailer made it possible, and gave me a solid place to start. It is encouraging to know that others are overcoming one step at a time, just like me.
I like your statement, “When I am gone my work won’t mean near as much as the life I have poured into my children. In my eyes, things aren’t worth much but humans are more precious than gold.” I know that nothing can change your grief over losing your baby, but I hope it helps just a little to know how much life your work has given me, my children and my grandchildren. We are breaking a deadly cycle of 4 generations of bad eating habits, and I have the pleasure of seeing grandchildren who are healthier than I have been. This is largely thanks to you. Thank you.
Thank you for your open honesty and I am so sorry for your loss KerryAnn. I have struggled for years with what is healthy and expected far too much too fast. As you have admitted this is no quick fix and diet is only one part of the healing albeit a foundational one. I pray you find the love and support you need as you heal. Thank you for all you share here and for what it means I must say it warmed my heart to see an email from you wishing me a happy birthday back in January. Bless you!
As the mother of seven blessings here on earth and many more in heaven already, please know that I will be praying for you as you heal not jus tin body, but also in spirit. ((hugs))
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. This is not a mark of failure on the scoreboard of the diet or on you personally. Mean people will be mean people…period. What will they find if they strip you down? A beautiful human that has shared her grief? An honest person? Let them talk. They are afraid to look inside themselves. I know I have never commented on here but I just think that it is wrong when you are going through so much that you should have to be concerned with ‘those people’. That sort of fear will impair your healing. Detox those thoughts.
KerryAnn, I’m very sorry for your loss. I wanted to let you and your readers know about another factor which can cause miscarriages. Here is a link to Dr. Ben Lynch’s site. He is a naturopath who is well versed with the genetic mutation MTHFR. http://mthfr.net/miscarriages-and-mthfr-mutations-question-to-dr-ben/2011/10/04/ I have recently learned about MTHFR and have been tested and learned that I have two copies of C677T. It has to do with getting the correct B vitamins – we are told to take folic acid, but if you have MTHFR your body may not be using it properly. Again, I’m sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Starlene recently posted..Cold Thermogenesis Stage 1 – Ice Water Face Immersion Tips Dr. Jack Kruse
Wow, you are brave for opening your heart up to the world; one that sometimes can be harsh. My hats off to you. Big Hugs!
Kerryann,
I just “happened” to come across your blog. Your name sounded familiar and I remember when we used to meet you in the Toys R Us parking lot to pick up raw milk. I remember how sick you were. I, too, had chronic fatigue and have come a long was with traditional foods. Thank you for being honest and open and glorifying God in the process. May God richly bless your family as you honor Him.
Susan (Raleigh, NC)
KerryAnn, my heart goes out to you in this loss (one I myself have also experienced). Thank you for your courage in sharing. I know that being vulnerable always opens a person up to the possibility of being misunderstood. Thanks for taking the risk as I so appreciate your honesty.
May you know the nearness of Jesus in your pain.
With Hugs and Prayers,
Lily
PS – you might find some of the transparent sharing of my sister on her blog good encouragement for your soul (as she’s on a journey of being transparent, too!): http://www.truthinweakness.blogspot.com/
Dear KerryAnne,
My heart goes out to you and your family. I’m sorry to read about your loss. Your transparency is much appreciated in the midst of the trial.
You are a beautiful woman created in His image. There is nothing ordinary or common about you. You are tenacious, honest, intelligent, hardworking, etc. I, for one, am thankful for you.
May you be comforted and held as you walk this path.
In Messiah’s love,
Terry
I’m very sorry to hear of your loss. Whether or not the baby was “planned” doesn’t seem to make a loss easier to bear. It’s a hard road to walk, especially if you have had multiple losses. May you find comfort and peace.
Margaret
Kerry, so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. My husband and I went through 3 years of infertility treatments, and 3 rounds of IVF to get our son. That was before I knew much about healing our guts and all the power that eating right can have. Early last year, after my son turned 2, and I had turned 40, I felt that we needed to decide whether we wanted another child or if we should stop at that point. I felt this huge pressure hanging over me with my age and just wanted to either jump in and try again, which we were sure would involve more infertility treatments, or stop and no longer think about it (it was on my mind constantly). So we talked long and hard and decided that we were overjoyed to have our son and didn’t want to go down that road again. It was really hard on our marriage and I honestly didn’t know if we would survive much more. Wouldn’t you know it, the very next month I got pregnant. It came as a total shock to us, and unfortunately, the same day that I confirmed the pregnancy, I lost it. I really didn’t know what to think at that point as it hadn’t really even sunk in. But it gave us a glimmer of hope that conceiving naturally might be in the cards for us. So, we decided to give it a try. Well, I got pregnant the very next month and this time we were more prepared. All was looking well, and we started to plan for this addition to our family, when I lost the baby at about 7.5 weeks. We were in shock once again. I had always had trouble getting pregnant, but as long as I supplemented with progesterone, the pregnancy went to term. There was also a huge feeling of failure. We thought we would finally be in the “club” of those that could get pregnant naturally. I didn’t share the miscarriages with anyone for quite a while. it was interesting to me how much people judged us for the IVF, so I didn’t want the additional judgements for this too. While knowing what I know now about health and healing, and continue to learn, I don’t know that I would do the same things again without trying to heal first, I am so incredibly thankful for our son. I too share my story only to show that while we have all gone down different paths and have different circumstances, that does not in any way change the pain that we feel at the loss of a child. Thank you for sharing your story, and for all that you do to share your knowledge on health and healing. Blessings to you and your family.
Laurie
Laurie recently posted..The Gluten and Dairy-Free Traditional Foods eCourse is LIVE!
Hey KerriAnn I’m so sorry for your loss and thrilled at how far you have come. Sometimes I feel like I’m looking in the mirror when I hear your stories. Lots of hugs!
Denisefern
I’m so sorry. I thank you for sharing and pray for your continued healing. You have helped me and my children more than you know. I have a long way to go, but your beginning traditional foods e-course changed our family. It made things possible step-by-step. The story of your healing journey resonated with me. I’m sorry that losing a baby is part of everything. My heart goes out to you and your husband.