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I often get questions about dealing with family members. The question I see most often goes something along the lines of
My husband and I have been fighting about
My husband keeps eating <insert food> despite my
naggingreminding him it’s unhealthy.My husband and I fight about everything involving the kids. What they eat, where they sleep, their medical decisions, <insert any issue here>
I wish he’d quit feeding them Cheerios!
I have told him and told him. Why doesn’t he get it?
Honey, he definitely got it. Not the words out of your mouth, because those didn’t matter. It was your attitude he heard loud and clear.
Not The Momma
To every question that involves your husband, I have the same answer. You are not his mommy. You are his wife, the mother of his children and his lover. Treat him as your equal, show him tons of love but do not parent him. He is not an extra child that needs you to spoon feed him. Until your attitude changes and you put him back into the driver’s seat of his own life, he won’t hear what comes out of your mouth about food, parenting or anything else because your attitude screams his inferiority in your eyes.
You must own your own decisions and actions and let him own his, even if he makes mistakes in the process.
Here’s the truth about what goes on in my own household: My husband and I don’t see eye to eye on everything. Jeff doesn’t eat the perfect diet by traditional foods standards. He eats unsoaked grains and even some junk food. He has to eat out with clients from time to time and his choices are limited. He buys pasteurized milk when the raw runs out or we can’t afford it. He’s thirty pounds overweight (down from a high of sixty) and chooses to take high blood pressure meds occasionally instead of turning to diet and exercise consistently to get off of the meds. He loves white carbs and sugar and struggles with it. He has made observations about what he had been eating and has made some voluntary adjustments such as cutting out all soft drinks, making better choices and avoiding table salt while eating out and cutting way back on processed foods. He has made steps in the right direction but he isn’t whole hog. Yet.
It is his body and it is his decision what he does with it. I can only provide nutritious food choices as an available option along with consistent, gentle and loving education on the topics dear to me. I can not force him to eat or not eat things. I can’t force him to exercise, only encourage him to join me while I do it.
Though, I still don’t agree with all of his choices, he has made great progress and he is far more educated on food issues than he was even three years ago. We have good discussions about much involving health. He’s willing to watch food movies with me, try and critique new dishes and he listens when I read snippets of articles or food-related news.
What changed? My attitude.
Attitude is Everything
Slow, gentle education while showing a sweet attitude and never harping gets you farther than any amount of nagging or fussing ever could. If my husband constantly talked down to me about a topic he knew a lot about, I’d soon shut down and quit asking, too. I’d avoid the topic or do what I wanted behind his back. I wouldn’t discuss controversial topics with someone who showed me no respect.
Educate where you can, set an example. At the same time, take genuine interest in things that interest him and encourage him to spend time doing things together you enjoy in the same turn. Show him the same love and respect you want him to show you. Let go of the reins and quit trying to steer him to your choices. Quit scorning him when he makes a decision you don’t agree with. Find his love language and speak it loud, clear and consistent.
People learn a lesson better from making their own mistakes than they do when they’re led to a decision. Letting a child suffer the consequence of a tummy ache from too much birthday cake is a far better reminder not to overindulge than any amount of prattling on you do on the subject before each party you attend. So, too, allowing your husband to learn from his mistakes and dietary changes will have far more impact than any amount of prattling on you can do. It will also serve as a far better deterrent when faced with the same decisions in the future.
Let him participate in the process. Let him help in the kitchen, especially if it involves grilling. He’ll learn some new skills, you’ll get to spend some time together and he might learn some things. He’ll also be more likely to try the food and like it since he helped make it. Jeff says his participation in the kitchen has been far more instrumental in convincing him to try things than any other means. Him helping fix meals has led to him overcoming some food aversions and mental hurdles I never thought he’d get over.
The Issue Isn’t Food
Accept his decisions, even if you disagree. Maybe one day he’ll agree with you, maybe one day he won’t. But you’ll never see eye to eye as long as you attempt to parent him instead of love him as an equal.
Because, the truth is that your kids see your attitude towards him as far more important than the poor food choices he makes.
Food is far secondary to a solid relationship and a loving atmosphere. Generally speaking, your children will benefit far more from a loving, harmonious home than they will that grass-fed beef or those free-range eggs. And the secret is that it starts with you.
Women are the heart of the home. It doesn’t matter if you are a stay at home mom, work at home mom or a work outside of the home mom. It doesn’t matter if daddy works or is unemployed. How many children you have or your circumstances are irrelevant. It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor. Mama sets the tone and gives the strongest example to the children as to how two people should interact in a relationship.
The Solution
So instead of discussing food, show him love and provide snippets of non-judgemental education when the door is open. Then wait. You can’t change him. You can only change yourself. As the saying goes, be the change you want to see. Give it time and lots of love and see how those seeds grow. The change won’t happen quickly, but it will happen. And you’ll both be better for it.
This post is part of Homemaker’s Challenge.
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Excellent post! This is pretty much what I had to do with my hubby. He listened to me, but as he says, the way he eats is habit. Over the years, he has accepted my food choices more and more but he will never give up his cheap white bread. I stopped fighting him on it when I realized that the rest of his diet was pretty good over all. sometimes we women get a bit too aggressive in our determination to care for everyone in our lives. Sometimes we have to remember that they have free will too, lol!
Roxanne, that is exactly right. I fell into the trap of being overbearing when my kids were little. It’s easy when you boss everyone around all day to try to boss him around when he comes home, too!
KerryAnn Foster recently posted..National Apricot Day: Curried Honey Mustard Chicken
Two thumbs up. Your position completely backs up my experience.
Thank you, Sandra!
KerryAnn Foster recently posted..National Apricot Day: Curried Honey Mustard Chicken
LOVE this post. An excellent reminder!
I would add one more thought – all the healthy food in the world won’t help you if you (and your family) are stressed out and unhappy.
Blessings,
Rosalyn
Absolutely. An atmosphere of tension is going to un-do all of the progress made by good food.
KerryAnn Foster recently posted..National Apricot Day: Curried Honey Mustard Chicken
Great Post! Thanks for the reminder. 😉
You’re welcome!
KerryAnn Foster recently posted..National Apricot Day: Curried Honey Mustard Chicken
Kerry,
Thank you for this article. It hit home with me and some things I would like to change in my own domain. I really need to start with myself and not everyone else. Maybe by me working on myself maybe the others will start going along with my changes and start to pick some of the changes up as well. Thank you for making me look at an issue in a different way.
You’re welcome, Rose! When we went through it, the kids fell into line pretty quickly, but it took my husband about nine months to really start reevaluating everything.
KerryAnn Foster recently posted..National Apricot Day: Curried Honey Mustard Chicken
I needed to hear this today. Thank you for such a thoughtful post.
You’re welcome, Christine!
KerryAnn Foster recently posted..National Apricot Day: Curried Honey Mustard Chicken
My husband doesn’t exactly disagree with a natural diet- he just doesn’t have the “passion” I’ve learned. To him food is food! I am “doing my job” as cheif meal prep by making really yummy meals & snack options. He doesn’t care if he’s had his Omega-3s or Factor X- for one thing he’s much busyer that I am- he wants tasty food! So I don’t tell him the sloppy joes have liver! He doesn’t want to know!
Where this is uber hard is his diabetes. I want to be “all up in his business” about his sugar numbers, did he test, watched his carrbs that day? But, he has established it is a HANDS OFF topic. Sure, he’ll answer questions- but he doesn’t welcome advice or critiques. Ugh! So hard! But, it makes me better for it! Brass tacks-control. We control to feel IN control, feel safe. In my life that SHOULD be God’s job.
Yes, men are less passionate about it as a general rule because it isn’t in their ‘domain.’ They also don’t have as much time to learn. I’ve often had Jeff ask me “tell me again why we don’t ______.” It might take longer to cement the info, but he is good about remembering the preferences even if he doesn’t know the reasoning.
KerryAnn Foster recently posted..The Secret About Liver Every Real Food Mama Should Know
Such wise words — and they can apply to so many aspects of marriage and parenting!
Yes, as the old saying goes, you draw more flies with honey than vinegar! It’s so much easier to work through any issue when everyone involved has a good attitude.
KerryAnn Foster recently posted..The Secret About Liver Every Real Food Mama Should Know
There is a LOT you can do, but I completly agree that fighting with a grown adult about what they eat should not be on the agenda. Actually, even fighting with children shouldn’t be. Being the food police just makes people fight against what you’re trying to accomplish.
I do a lot of manipulative stuff and am UPFRONT about it being manipulative. For example, a fruit bowl on the table works wonders when lazy people want to snack cause it’s THERE. Or that I make chicken fajitas so often cause he eats piles of veggies when I do (and hamburger/cabbage stirfry for the same reason). I joke about this right with him, that I am “tricking” him into eating more veggies. 😉
Almost every dessert I bake includes fruits or veggies… apple betty, banana nut bread, pumpkin pie, butterscotch zucchini cake. They’re not all TF, but they ARE all low sugar with fruit or veggies included – and he LIKES them.
But yeah, I can’t get him off crappy white bread. I spent a year baking before I gave up. The dude is going to eat that stuff.
And he’s going to buy junk at truck stops now and then even if loaded up with good food from home.
He also insists that raw milk goes bad faster in the truck than pasteurized, so he only drinks raw at home.
But he can’t buy honey-dipped doughnuts anymore cause they’re “too sweet”. And somehow the ubiquitous taquitos have somehow become “too gross”.
Over time, the palate can change. The way to change it is not to fight about it, but to provide yummy food that really TASTES good.
He doesn’t want to eat at Bonanza cause everything at home, even leftovers, tastes better than eating there. That is how you introduce real change.
I also found that sitting down with him and watching Food Inc made a big difference. Though I’m a biochemist, he didn’t “get” it about HFCS. Somehow, your wife telling you isn’t the same as a third party. He was shocked about the corn industry. So now he tells people now he’s not “allowed” to eat HFCS, though he doesn’t remember why. 😉 The movie had a huge effect, even though he lost the details.
You’re right. Next Monday I’ll be following up on this post about how to stack the deck in your favor to help his palate change.
KerryAnn Foster recently posted..The Secret About Liver Every Real Food Mama Should Know
Soooo true! I swore I would never nag my husband. It’s taken him longer to “catch up” but it’s his choice now. I was SO happy when he chose the handmade soap over that nasty Dial soap. Hooray! And it had nothing to do with nagging.
Great post.
Yay! My husband still has some personal care hold-outs. He was also a Dial man for a while, until I found a locally produced lemongrass-scented soap that he really liked. That finally convinced him to quit with the nasty green stuff!
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Such a great post KerryAnn. This really hit home for me, on a variety of levels … It reminds me that marriage is hard work and we have to remember our roles within the relationship. I have a tendency to be that “mommy” and when that happens, hubby shuts down! This was a gentle, yet firm reminder, that I need to be more cautious about how I approach things sometimes! 🙂
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‘Shuts down’ is a very good description of it. Marriage is absolutely hard work, no matter how well things are going. We’ve been together almost 12 years and I’m still finding out things about him I didn’t know!
KerryAnn Foster recently posted..National Apricot Day: Curried Honey Mustard Chicken
Love the article. This is pretty much what we do in our house. I have a huge passion for real food and health and it pretty much just spills over. No nagging or reminding. I knew a family that had a very rich history in being strong in their faith and family identity for generations. One role their earlier ancestor had was “family nutritionist”. I love that! I see this as an important role in my life. I take the lead, I learn the information and I make the decisions on what we eat as well as teach my family (because I believe the knowledge is where the real change begins). I hope that “family nutritionist” is my legacy and it gives me joy to know that eating this way will effect the future generations of my family. I don’t expect them to grasp it all now, but by my lead I believe they’ll reap the benefits.
Agreed. The reason I have the drive that I do is so that my children will have a better life and better health than I have had.
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Good Stuff KA! I am trying to walk a fine line with my boyfriend – I inform and encourage and try NOT to mother him – it can be challenging at times, but I know this is the way to go as you stated in this post! Glad you wrote it, it’s an important message!
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Awesome post and very timely for me. Part of my problem comes as we disagree over my daughters diet as she is type 1 diabetic. She is 5 and we are approaching the year mark of the diagnosis. I’m into very low carb diet for her as Dr. Berenstain teaches and researching unconventional ways to manage this disease and he just wants to do just as the doctor says! If it’s just my husband, I can easier let the food choices go, but it gets harder when our differences are over our daughter and effect her health. I so appreciate your post on this subject as it convicts me!
If I were in your position, I would suggest an experiment.
I would do Bernstein’s diet and insulin regimen between one doctor’s appointment and the next. Then I would do the traditional diabetic diet/MDI insulin regimen until the next appointment.
See what her HBA1c is at each appointment and use that to determine what is best.
No fighting during each “phase” as bg being slightly out of whack for 3 or 6 months isn’t going to cause long-term harm. And you’ll have actual numbers to make a decision with. This makes it a cooperative venture rather than a fight.
Excellent reminder of how I SHOULD be treating hubby. Thank you.
Thank you for this post this! This is very well written & so needed! We all (or at least I think all of us) fail from time to in this area.
Linda